Have you ever been dragged along to one of those parties where you don’t know anyone there? If you have, then you are also likely to have experienced that uneasy moment when your friend, and only ally, either goes to the toilet or moves away to talk to someone else. Suddenly you become very conscious that you’re standing alone while everyone around you is relaxed and chatting enthusiastically to one another. If you’re anything like me, you enter a bizarre state of hyper-awareness, as if a spot light is following your every move. Then the weird behaviours begin… Here are my usual two:
- I repeatedly check my phone, as if I’m expecting hundreds of urgent text messages (…unfortunately I’m not quite that popular..!)
- I begin knocking back my drink at a socially unacceptable rate!
It’s awkward. You feel awkward, others feel awkward for you, and you feel more awkward knowing that they’re feeling awkward. Yuck. Hardly surprising that we try to avoid such parties is it?
So what has this got to do with medicine?
For or me, entering the wards used to feel like turning up to one of these parties. From the first moment I stepped inside I would feel a sense of awkwardness. I felt like a phony, a gatecrasher at someone else’s event. Unfortunately, this wasn’t the kind of party that I could stand in the corner and down my drink. I had to mingle! What’s more, as far as I was concerned, everyone at this party was older, wiser, had more expertise and many of them seemed to respect each other more than they respected me. Many were tired, some were stressed and most looked like they would have preferred to be somewhere else. The dreaded spot light was overhead and I even had to advertise my gatecrasher status with a sign around my neck saying, “I’m a medical student”. How awful. With these kind of thoughts it’s no wonder I felt anxious being on the ward.
However, I began to realise that it wasn’t the hospital that made me feel this way, but rather the hospital was the perfect medium through which my underlying anxieties were expressed. The idea that the hospital was an unwelcoming, scary place was simply wrong. It was a belief based purely on my own insecurities. The truth is, I felt inadequate. I was intimidated by being in an environment where I felt like I knew, comparatively, very little.I felt self-conscious and under scrutiny, surrounded by people who I admired greatly, people I felt inferior to.
You can’t gatecrash a party that you have an invitation for!
We’re expected to be in the hospital and more often than not, we’re wanted there too. The vast majority of healthcare professionals actually like us being around – really! They enjoy teaching us and respect us for having the courage to actively seek learning opportunities. We shouldn’t feel intimidated by the knowledge of doctors. They were all where we are now and with time we will know just as much as them. We should never feel inferior, no matter who we’re talking to. We’re all human beings and as such, demand equal respect. It’s no more important for us to be polite to consultants as it is for them to be polite to us. We’re in the hospital to learn and we’re expected to have gaps in our knowledge so we shouldn’t feel stupid. The fact that we have made it this far shows that we know enough at this stage and we have a life time of learning ahead of us.
We also make more of a difference on the wards than we give ourselves credit for. We allow staff to improve their teaching skills and we can help with tasks such as venepuncture and catheterisation. Perhaps more importantly, patients like us being around too! While doctors and nurses are busy, we can actually spend time with patients and brighten up their days. Many feel delighted that they are able to help with our learning and this can give them a sense of purpose when they may otherwise feel like burdens.
So, we may feel like outsiders but that’s all it is, a feeling, brought about by our own fears of inadequacy and of inconveniencing others. The fact is, we’re wanted, we play an important role and we have as much right to be there as anyone else. The hospital is our theatre and the stage is ours to share, so lets start enjoying it!
anxiousmedic 